Realization

I had my weekly ERP therapy earlier today and while my therapist and I were talking about what exactly about roaches effects me I was able to realize something that I had forgotten for the past year. Because of the roaches, any fear that I had or any compulsions I did involved the thought of of them whereas previously I had many different fears all day long. I told her that my fear is what they take with them, they spend their time in the nastiest places you could imagine like the sewer. They take those germs with them and spread them wherever they step. It’s something I haven’t not thought about ever since I learned it so its been my main focus, but today I delved deeper into that thought. What I’m truly afraid of is those fluids from the sewer. I have had a deep fear of any type of bodily fluid ever since I started getting OCD symptoms but the trauma of the last year kind of pushed that away. I think the main thing that bothers me is I’d put such a strong priority to the fear of roaches that I forgot it’s the same fear I’ve always had regardless of the source being roaches. It made me feel kind of sad because this time two years ago I had been so controlled. I knew that living in that apartment was going to ruin a lot for me because it gave facts to my delusions. My fear was no longer irrational because roaches did indeed transfer deadly germs. Before everything I felt I could at least find peace in that it wasn’t logical, it was OCD.

Covid did the same thing to me regarding the fact that over a few weeks, now everybody was agreeing with my delusions. The things vie been afraid of for years are now being accepted by everyone else. Everyone now thinks shopping carts are dirty, the stuff you buy is dirty, gas stations are dirty, literally everything I’ve had issues with was now being focused on and i was no longer crazy. That’s hard for me because nothing is worse than your fears being confirmed, I was no longer able to look at myself and tell; myself its just the OCD. Now this got even worse as covid died down because the things people were doing to keep things clean were now being stopped. I had become accustomed to being able to touch certain things and go certain places because I knew they were clean from covid sanitation requirements. So when these things stopped it was like all your fears getting thrown at you at once, and you are now crazy again.

It’s going to be a long time before I can start thinking my thoughts are irrational again.