I keep getting worse and at this point I don’t know what to do. I’ve started to believe that my bathroom sinks are dirty but they are the only sinks I will use. I will wash my arms, stare at them for a long time and then keep repeating because I feel like I touched the side of the sink bowl. I’ll turn off the water and then immediately turn it back on and start over. I can’t seem to get it right and I dread having to use the restroom because of how long it’s taking me to wash my hands. These last couple days I feel like no matter how many times I do it, I touched the sink and am no longer clean. Right now I just came back from the bathroom and feel incredibly disgusting because of washing my hands. I had just spent two hours laying in bed with my left arm spread out avoiding touching my hand because of the last time I had washed it and it still felt dirty. I’m losing my mind at this point. How am I ever going to feel clean if I can’t even trust myself to wash my hands. There’s a stain on the top of the sink and I’m so terrified of attempting to clean it because what if it’s not a stain and comes off? Then all my fears were right and I did indeed get dirty every time I washed. I’m sitting here writing this and all I can think about is how disgusting I feel and that I’m spreading it all around my bed.

Another insane thing that keeps happening is I keep running out of food that I can eat. I haven’t eaten fruit for months because of the issues I had with the goo on it and now I can’t eat vegetables because I thought I saw something in my tomato. Every thing I eat I inspect with my flashlight until I find something potentially wrong and now I can’t eat it. I keep fearing there is something in every food I get from a food place because we know they aren’t the cleanest. I don’t know what else to eat. How am I supposed to get my health together if I can’t even eat? It’s 7pm right now and I haven’t eaten since 7am when I had a muffin (which is the only thing I can tolerate) and even then I freak out because of the blueberries in the muffin. Food didn’t used to be that big of a thing for me but now it is and I feel like my ocd is always just shifting focus from one thing to the next and never actually getting anywhere. And to top it all off, everything I bought for Dylan for Christmas got contaminated when I opened it so now I don’t know what to do. I guess laying in bed for two weeks from having Covid really did a number on my mental progress.


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