ERP – 18

For my erp therapy today I had to stand in my kitchen and walk around in circles pointing out every little thing that was dirty or could be dirty. The fact that standing in my own kitchen for 45 minutes stressed me out more than anything in the last couple months is so disheartening. I know that’s the point of the therapy but my therapist was talking about how with her own OCD she has troubles with her kitchen sink and has to bleach it everyday. I don’t want to be 35 with kids having to spend time doing these rituals but it’s clear that even with extensive therapy they never go away. I’m tired. I’m so tired of feeling this way and whenever I do something even remotely normal I’m congratulated like I’m a child. I shouldn’t have to be proud of standing in my own kitchen because it shouldn’t be a problem in the first place. I’m tired. I feel so alone in this still after 11 years. It’s still hopeless and takes up every second of my thoughts. I just want to feel safe.