Lonely

You know it’s so lonely when you really think about it. People may share the same disorder but your intrusive thoughts are you’re own and affect you different than they would someone else. I’ve had this disorder for like 12 years now and I’m so alone. Nobody wants me to talk about it or hear about it or hear a thought. Reassurance seeking is one of the main effects and so it makes me spiral when I have no one to talk to, no one to ask. I will sit in my bed with my hand out for 8 hours just to wait till dylan gets home so I can ask him if it’s dirty. 8 hours. I spend my days wasting away because I can’t get that instant reassurance from anyone. I spend a lot of time googling my questions and right now my search history is about rats and lollipops. My lollipop had bite marks on it and dylan swears up and down it’s the cats. And I know it’s from the cats, deep down I know but my ocd won’t let me believe it. Nope it’s from a rat in a factory and now everything in my room has rat on it. It’s never ending and I’ll always find something new to fixate on. Dylan gets really mad about this because it’s never over it’s just moved on to something else but that’s the point. It attacks you from every point of your life. The cats got out of our room for maybe 30 seconds and I wouldn’t touch them for three days in the off chance they rubbed up against the bathroom door. What’s on the door? Well nothing, but to me it’s body fluids from Dylan’s work socks because he works in a hospital. He’s never even gotten anything on him but that’s what I think every time I look at the door. It’s exhausting having to play over and over in your head if something happened because you’ll start to convince yourself there’s no way it didn’t. Whenever I wash my hands/arms when I turn the water off I slowly take my hands in and out of the sink to make sure I didn’t touch the sink. I’ll do it over and over again until my brain says I’m good. How does doing that mean I didn’t touch the sink the first 20 times? It doesn’t. Same with when I get out of the shower. Whether it’s the door, the wall, the faucet, the shower door, the light switch, whatever it is I have to GUARANTEE I didn’t touch it so I will stand with my arms in front of me and have my elbows point out, then I kind of just turn around in circles as many times as I need to make sure I didn’t touch anything. I’ll lean as far as possible as I can from the position I’m standing in because then that means it would’ve been impossible to touch it. Every single fucking time I shower or wash my hands I have to go through this and if I’m not satisfied I get back in and start over until I am. It is nearly impossible to get a job because in the morning who knows if it’ll take me hours to just get ready. I’m rambling but I just don’t have anyone to tell these things so it’s nice when at least people read it.