I have a lot on my mind today. One of the main things about OCD is you have to fight the compulsions because if you give in to them it tells your brain that you actually needed to do that in order to feel better, but that only gets more and more every time. For example me washing my hands, then washing my hands again, then my wrists, then my arms and next thing you know I’m pouring bleach on myself because the compulsions grew. This is a big problem for me currently because a couple weeks ago I put some hand sanitizer in my room because I was supposed to bring it to the car but didn’t. Anyway one day I finished washing and I thought it wasn’t enough and low and behold I had hand sanitizer, so I used it. Since that day I have not been able to wash my hands and feel okay ever. I will still do the same wash routine but then I will come to my room and slather my hands and arms in hand sanitizer. Now, I don’t even feel like that is enough so I will go back and wash again and repeat this until i feel clean. I keep giving into the compulsions so they will only get worse and worse and I know that but I can’t stop it.

I also have a lot of issues regarding my car. I have lately been feeling like there is sewage on it because of the rainstorm flooding the water ways. Any time I run over something brown or a puddle of water it ruins everything. I now can’t get out of my car and even being in the car it feels like its seeping through the cracks and onto my skin. Dylan has been opening my door with a glove and then I open his door from the inside. Not only this but I’ve also had a lot of issues with double checking. I remember a couple months back I was really struggling with the road so when I thought I saw something I would turn around, re go the same route and check to see if it was what I thought and also if it was able to touch my car. I genuinely don’t remember the last time I touched the outside of my car or anyone else. It’s the little things daily that add up and next thing you know your stuck, you will never be okay again.

I also started another course called IBM cybersecurity analyst professional certification, and its a set of 8 courses because I might as well do at least something so I’m not just wasting away my life.


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