2/14

For some reason every time I see my psychiatrist he always wants to change things or add things to my regime regardless if I say I’m okay. Since switching to him I have gone up on three of my meds and now he’s upping me on Luvox as well and I’m like….okay. I’m not really honest when they ask how I’m doing ocd wise so I usually undermine that part but he’s like “Well, lets keep going cause I feel like you can get better.” I don’t really know what he expects because I mean four medications and I’m not good so I don’t think anymore drugs are going to make a difference. The only thing is it makes my damn tremor worse and he asked today if it was livable and I was like “Oh yeah I don’t really notice haha” and two hours later I hit the gas in my car instead of the break cause my leg tremor. I just hate any type of appointment so anything to make them stop talking is good for me. It’s crazy how quick ocd can change, you’re always taking one step forward and three steps back. I will feel for a split second that I’m okay so I do something I wouldn’t normally do and then an hour later I’m freaking out and trying to figure out where the trail went, what things I’ve touched since, etc. It doesn’t help that ocd involves false memories and rumination so the more you think about it the likelihood you are going to convince yourself that the worst did indeed happen. I’m just kind of numb at this point like I don’t know if I’m stressed, sad, happy, I’m just nothing.