I saw a tik tok earlier and it was of a girls thought process when dealing with an ocd thought and I was like dang that’s exactly like mine except at the same time it wasn’t. All I thought about while she was completing her cleaning rituals that mine would be worse, like she had to change her shirt but first had to wash her hands so she didn’t contaminate the new one but I would’ve had to wash my hands, take off the shirt, wash my hands and arms, put on the new shirt and then I wouldn’t even come close to the contaminated object again but she washed it right then and there. It’s like I know everybody is different but I wish my cross contamination thoughts weren’t so strong. I still won’t touch the door frame to the front of my house because six years ago I may or may not have touched it with a dirty hand. It just runs so deep for me. There was something on my desk the other day and it didn’t make sense because I had just cleaned it but it was under my notebook so I sat there and I just back tracked until I came to the conclusion that Dylan touched something downstairs then in our room, then the cat touched it and then they stepped on my desk. Makes no sense but that’s what I came up with and then just didn’t go back to the desk. And then yesterday I took a shower and something happened at the end that I tried to kind of just push past but then at one point there was something on my hand and I just washed it off and kept going but then when I got out it was all I could think of. I couldn’t even picture in my head what it was or in what part of my routine did it happen so then I felt as tho my hair was dirty and I sat in my bed for hours just thinking about my dirty hair. I still ask Dylan every time he gets up if he touched the end of the bed while closing my eyes because if I look I’ll assume he did. Oh and I went to my wedding venue yesterday and there was a dead roach outside. I was like well that’s nice now my whole wedding is gonna be ruined because that’s all I will think about.

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