5/4

I did two things for my wedding yesterday and the day before and going out of the house for appointments really stresses out my ocd so I took today to just sleep. It worries me that this last year I have slept for days on end on many occasions and I’m terrified what having a full time job would do to me. My mind needs the break and I’m only having no obsessions if I’m asleep. One time I slept for almost 50 hours in a row, only having 8 ish hours would be tormenting for my brain. You know it’s funny that the main reason I can’t complete any compulsions in my room is because I can’t open the door. When I used to live here I could clean things, do my laundry, wash my bedding with almost no problem because I could immediately leave the room and clean myself. We have two cats in here that can’t go into the house so the door always remains shut. Even when I do open the door it’s very carefully so I don’t even come close to touching the door itself. How am I supposed to go back and forth from cleaning and washing my hands without infecting the door. The answer is I can’t. Dylan can because I close my eyes and take his word for it that he opened the door with his arm. I know he’s probably contaminated the door 1000 times but if I don’t see it happen it didn’t happen. Whenever he cleans anything in the room it usually involves him cleaning the door many times and I sit under the covers and plug my ears. Probably one of the worst things I could do for my ocd because I’m not sitting with it but rather avoiding it all together. I just know that if I could have the damn door open I could do so many more things for myself that I’m not capable now. Sometimes my hands are dirty so I will stand in the middle of the room for as long as I needed to for dylan to come open the door, sometimes that’s 30 minutes later because he doesn’t know I’m waiting. I can’t text cause I can’t touch my phone and I can’t shout because he wouldn’t hear me. I waste hours just sitting here waiting for him to open the door where as if it were just open I could do so much more. I can’t clean anything in the room because then I touch the fucking door with dirty hands. If I get dressed I can’t touch the door, if I gather the dishes I can’t touch the door, I just can’t do it ever. I’ve been building floor plans for what I want my house to be in the future and some rooms literally have no doors because I know myself and I know I’d need it open 24/7 so might as well just not have one lol.