5/13

This last year I thought I was making progress at least a little bit. It’s been so long since I’ve been at the apartment that I felt like that part of my life was done. I was exposed again to roaches and I’m spiraling. I thought I was okay and now I feel like I did a year ago. I tried so hard to avoid any situation like that and now I’m going to keep having to deal with it. I thought that if I did I’d be able to compartmentalize but I can’t. I feel just as infected as I did back then and I don’t have any future of not feeling like it. At least in the apartment I knew I’d leave at some point but now it’s not my house but someone close to me that I have to continue to interact with. I was so close to being able to come downstairs and eat and now I feel nasty doing that even with showering after. Everything just got re contaminated with my worst fear and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to be back on high alert which is so emotionally exhausting. Thinking everything I see is what I fear most is so fucking tiring. I don’t need this and now I feel like I’ll never get freedom.