5/27

I hate that I want to drink more water to be healthier but the idea of having to go into the bathroom any more times than I do now is so exhausting. This is what a usual bathroom routine is: go into the bathroom with my arms against my chest, shut the door with my hand, use the bathroom without touching the shower or the cabinet or the trash or the laundry basket (all in the same vicinity), then I walk really slowly up to my sink and kinda inch my feet forward until they are in the perfect spot and are not touching the cabinet, then I wash my arms in my sink, turn it off, walk slowly over to Dylan’s sink and then wash my hands in his sink as many times as I need to before I feel like I didn’t touch the faucet or sink, then I slowly turn off the handle in the right spot to make sure I didn’t touch the dirty part and I will touch it again and again until I’m sure I didn’t but it usually just ends up with my rewashing everything, then I look down and see where my knees are and bend them until they are about to touch the cabinet so I can be sure I didn’t accidentally do it while washing, then I (with my wet hands and arms) very fucking slowly open the door so I don’t touch anything but one part of the handle so I can only open the door about halfway, then I use my other hand to gently push the door open from the other side all while making sure my arms touch nothing and that my hair isn’t touching the side of the door, then I do the same process to get into the bedroom where I dry myself, and sometimes this takes multiple times to go in and out, then I slowly walk over to my bed with my arms against my chest and shimmy next to it while staring in the mirror to make sure I didn’t touch the closet, then I walk back and forth several times sometimes even getting back out of bed to double check, oh but wait there’s more, then I lay down on my stomach and use my phone to thoroughly check my feet for anything before putting them in the bed, then I turn over and scan my legs again, and then I sit up in bed and wonder if my hair touched the nightstand and that’s what I do every. single. time. I use the restroom or just wash my hands in general. Some of these steps get repeated over and over and over until I’m certain. It’s so fucking mentally and physically exhausting I’d rather just hold it until I can’t anymore to limit the amount of times I have to do this. I’m literally tired after just writing this out and putting it on paper really makes me realize the amount of compulsions I really do in a day. Sometimes I sit in bed and decide I didn’t do something right and I go back and restart the whole process. So now imagine this multiple times a day, or if I’m working I can’t just leave for 15 minutes. I’m not exaggerating I genuinely think 95% of my waking hours are spent doing a compulsion whether it’s physical or mental, I’m truly never not thinking about being dirty, even when I have a good day I wake up the next day and go shit, I fucked stuff up by not completing the compulsions the right way the day before and then I have to clean everything to start new. I’m laying in bed rn in the middle of the night and I’m thinking about if my hair touched the top shelf next to the door when I came in because I noticed something on it yesterday and haven’t stopped thinking about it since. God this sounds so insane it’s almost laughable until I remember this is my life for the rest of my life. I hate being so negative but when you know your life will never be simple or easy to do even the most mundane tasks it really just makes me just sad.