2/22

It sucks that things are always changing. I spent months carefully examining my feet for several minutes with a flashlight before getting into bed and then one day I just didn’t. It seems like a good thing but what it means is I found something else. There always has to be something to obsess over so it bothers me when people are like oh wow you didn’t do this today you must be getting better when I’m not at all getting better. There was a speck on my desk just now and I got it off with my finger which I would never do without washing my hands but the alternative is washing my hands which has gotten harder and harder for me to do lately. The process of turning off the sink takes so much mental and physical energy with my tremor making it 100x worse. I used to turn the shower at my moms off with my foot because that was my only option which was extremely difficult cause I am not flexible and my tremor makes it so standing on one foot is impossible so when we moved into our apartment I decided I couldn’t take the fall risk anymore. I spent around 3 minutes every single shower when I get in scrubbing the shower handle and the hose with antibacterial dish soap and a sponge. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a rush because if I don’t clean the handle I can’t get out. I also have a rule that when you get into the shower you can only use your dirty hands on the bottom half of the door so I know that when I get out using the top half It should be clean. I avoid watching Dylan get out of the shower because I know he touches everything with his dirty hands and then his elbow to get out but I know seeing it happen would make it worse in a way. Same with when he dries off, our bathroom is set up that from the bed I can see everything in the bathroom besides the toilet because that’s the only thing blocked by a door so if I’m in bed I can see everything Dylan does when he gets out of the shower so I have to close my eyes until he gets dressed because I’m worried his towel is touching everything, or he’s touching the bathroom door, or the litterbox, etc. I also don’t like when he talks because I’m afraid speaking would make him less focused on touching things. The same rules apply for the kitchen, I absolutely hate sitting on the couch while he makes food because I have to close my left eye so I don’t see him in my peripheral and know what he’s touching. This all includes me asking him 100x if he touched this or that because asking questions is a really big compulsion for me.