2/24

You know I always look back at my social media and realize people probably think I’m faking it because “oh look she’s sitting on the ground or touching this and that” but for 90% of the time I’m just masking. If I’m in public and I have to do something that I don’t want to do but there’s enough people around I’ll do it, internally scream, and then deal with the consequences later like cleaning anything I touched after it. It’s hard to give in to your compulsion in public because of the societal pressure to be normal. Like recently I went to the mall and something happened and I just couldn’t leave. I stood in one spot for over an hour just replaying what happened over and over in my head. To everyone else I probably looked like I was waiting for someone but I just couldn’t move. I don’t know what I would say or do if someone pointed out what I was doing because like how do you explain that. Oh no officer I’m not stealing I just can’t move because I may or may not have touched the pole by jcpennys. It goes back to that two worlds things, sometimes I can do something I wouldn’t normally do, like sit on the ground, if I know I don’t have to touch anything I consider clean and safe afterwards. As long as I can shower I will do it, now that doesn’t mean I’ll sit on something I know is dirty like if it has liquid or something smeared on it. No amount of showering after would convince me to do it. Just like I won’t use a public bathroom unless I’m dying. If someone were to hug me I’ll give in but I ain’t happy about it, I’ll be thinking about it for the rest of the day until I can shower. It’s just interesting to look at my life from a different perspective and I look so normal it’s weird.