3/11

I just sat down at my desk after showering and in five seconds I noticed something on the desk, a very small black smear. Obviously I believe I touched it and maybe was even who smeared it but now I feel like everything is dirty. The thing is I want to fight it so bad but I don’t know if I can. Dylan asked if I wanted a new sweater and I said no because if he gave me a new sweater, he’d have to clean my desk, my keyboard, my mouse, my chair, my phone, my water basically anything I touched in that minute. All that would do is feed the fear and make me genuinely feel like that’s what I had to do to feel safe. I hate that I know what to do to help recover and yet I have such a hard time doing it. Its been probably 10 minutes and my mind is racing a million times a second. I don’t even have an idea of what it was and the unknowing is the worst part, if someone could give me a logical answer of something that isn’t dirty then id be fine but seeking that reassurance is what’s pushing me in the wrong direction. Dylan always offers to clean something that I felt was dirty which only convinces me it is because I then feel like he feels its dirty too. I guess we will see if I make it through the night without cleaning everything I’ve touched.